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Divorce Mediation |
If you or someone you know is considering, or in the
process of getting, a divorce, there's something you
should know. There's a way to go through the process
that could contain hostilities, save spouses lots of
time, and money, and leave the parties more intact when
the process is done. That way is mediation.
Everyone knows the typical approach -- "I'll hire an
attorney for me; you hire an attorney for you; the chips
will fall where they may; and maybe we'll talk when it's
all over." With mediation, however, the approach sounds
like this - "Let's talk together, with the help of a
divorce mediator, and see how we can settle things in a
way that we (and our children) can best survive in this
new phase in our lives."
So, what is divorce mediation?
Simply put, it's a process in which a divorcing
couple meets together with a mediator (or, in some
cases, two co-mediators) in a series of scheduled
sessions. During those sessions, the couple discloses
the "hard facts"; that is, information regarding their
joint and individual finances (bank accounts, debts,
investments, retirement accounts and pensions) and
assets (real estate, cars, other vehicles). They also
discuss the "soft" yet crucial, facts -- things like
family background and history; fears and concerns;
issues regarding children, and other non-financial
matters.
With all of the "facts" on the table, the mediator helps
the parties identify a range of possible solutions. Each
of those solutions considers the fact that there are two
parties (and children) who need to survive after the
divorce.
The next step, (call it the "solutions phase"), is the
cornerstone of mediation and what sets it apart from the
traditional, two-attorney approach. In the solutions
phase of the mediation, the spouses speak directly to
each other about the various options and whether or how
those options do or do not meet their concerns. If the
couple doesn't need any help with this discussion, the
mediator keeps quiet. If the couple becomes stumped, if
tempers or negative emotions flare, or if the couple
just needs some prodding, the mediator chimes in. The
key is that the couple is encouraged to do most of the
talking and problem-solving. The mediator is there to
help identify options, keep discussions on track,
minimize unproductive or hostile discussion, and,
generally, to create and maintain forward-moving
momentum to the process.
So, mediation puts the control over decisions in the
hands of the people best equipped to make those
decisions - the husband and wife who are going to have
to live with those decisions. Doesn't that just make
sense? After all, people govern their own lives during
their marriage. Shouldn't they have the greatest direct
say over issues that will influence their lives after
the marriage?
In addition to keeping control where it belongs,
mediation helps clients to resolve issues faster,
freeing them to move on with the rest of their lives.
There are a number of reasons why, by and large, couples
who mediate their divorces spend far less time getting
divorced than do couples using the traditional,
two-attorney approach. First, the couples, and the
mediator alike, are all committed to reaching
agreements. They see the value of not having the divorce
process itself become a way of life. They want to do
what they have to to resolve their issues, and then
dedicate their energies to healing and moving on with
the new lives ahead. Although agreements may not be
reached overnight, the common goal helps to keep the
parties moving.
Another factor that shortens the process is that
mediation centers on regularly-scheduled meetings with
agendas and goals. Couples know what they're working on
and know when they're going to be called on to discuss
certain issues. There's a clear progression.
Mediation also typically saves couples a significant
amount of money in divorce-related costs. Some of that's
simple math. Couples pay just one mediator, and can
share that cost. They're not paying two separate
attorneys to do two separate jobs of soup-to-nuts
representation on all issues. Some mediation clients,
however, do hire attorneys for more limited
representation, or simply for advice, along the
mediation route.
The other cost saving is in the fact that, because the
number of months spent in mediation (that is, paying a
professional to help with the divorce) can be
dramatically less than the amount of time spent in the
two-attorney approach.
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